Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
