You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
