GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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