As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
