Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
