I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
