did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
