My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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