Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
no, he came in my armpit
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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