i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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