cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
