the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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