This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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