I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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