well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
