remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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