it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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