I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
