Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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