Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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