What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
