Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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