1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize