I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
