I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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