Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
