I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize