recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
