i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
