he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
