Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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