The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
