my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
