Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
