I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
do herpes really smell.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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