I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
