wanna go halves on a baby?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
