I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
