Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
