It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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