The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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