I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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