He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
