hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
