giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I have post one night stand depression
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