Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
