i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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