Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
