I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
