So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He passed out mid-signature
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
