i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
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