Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
