After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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