can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
