Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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