Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
