are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
