I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
