If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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