i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
