a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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