we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
