My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
