I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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